I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT WEEKEND. LOTS TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS SO LET’S GET RIGHT INTO IT. THERE WAS SOME BIG SUPREME COURT NEWS TODAY. THE HIGHEST COURT IN THE LAND HAS STRUCK DOWN A FEDERAL LAW THAT BANNED SPORTS GAMBLING. SO NOW IT’S GOING TO BE LEGAL TO BET ON SPORTS. THEN EVERY SPORTS FAN IN AMERICA WAS LIKE, “OH, GOOD!

WE CAN START BETTING NOW.” WHEW. THIS IS ALL PART OF TRUMP’S NEW ECONOMIC INITIATIVE, “A FAILED CASINO FOR EVERY STATE.” THE SUPREME COURT RULING CAME DOWN SEVEN-TO-TWO, WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE MY BOOKIE HAD IT AT EIGHT-TO-ONE. BEFORE THE RULING, IT WAS ONLY LEGAL TO GAMBLE IN THE STATE OF NEVADA.

AS A RESULT, LAS VEGAS IS CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO, “WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, APPARENTLY HAPPENS IN OTHER PLACES NOW, TOO.” MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS STILL TRYING TO WORK OUT A TRADE DEAL WITH CHINA. YESTERDAY ON TWITTER, TRUMP TRIED TO REASSURE AMERICANS THAT THE UNITED STATES WOULD WORK OUT A DEAL, WRITING, “BE COOL, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!” BE COOL? WHAT ARE HIS NEXT WORDS OF WISDOM? CHILLAX?

IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH CHINA, NO BIGGIE, EITHER WAY IT’LL BE SICK. THAT’S NOT HOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SHOULD TALK. “BE COOL” IS WHAT A GUY SAYS TO HIS FRIEND WHO’S NERVOUS ABOUT BUYING WEED OFF A DEALER THEY’VE NEVER MET. “YOU SURE THIS GUY IS OKAY?”

“BE COOL, HE’S A FRIEND OF MY COUSIN’S. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT.” IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS, ACCORDING TO A NEW ARTICLE, MOST WEEKNIGHTS DONALD TRUMP AND FOX NEWS HOST SEAN HANNITY HAVE A BEDTIME PHONE CALL WITH EACH OTHER. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT TRUMP COULDN’T BE MORE IN LOVE WITH FOX NEWS. YOU JUST KNOW THEY END EVERY PHONE CALL LIKE, “YOU HANG UP FIRST, SEAN.” “NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.”

“WELL, YOU DIDN’T HANG UP EITHER!” REPORTS SAY THAT WHENEVER HE IS REALLY UPSET, HANNITY IS ALWAYS THERE WITH THOSE REASSURING WORDS TRUMP WANTS TO HEAR: “BE COOL, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT.” MOVING ON, PAPA JOHN’S HAS STARTED SELLING EXTRA-LARGE JUGS OF ITS SIGNATURE GARLIC SAUCE. EACH JUG OF GARLIC SAUCE IS — SORRY. WHAT WAS THAT RESPONSE? THAT RESPONSE IS LIKE I JUST TOLD EVERYONE WE WERE GOING TO GO TO THE MOON TONIGHT!

WOW! EACH JUG OF GARLIC SAUCE IS EIGHT POUNDS AND COSTS $20. YOU KNOW YOU’RE DEPRESSED WHEN YOU CONSUME SOMETHING “BY THE EIGHT-POUND JUG.” BUT PAPA JOHN’S SAYS IT’S A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF GARLIC SAUCE. BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO NEED A SECOND JUG.

STARBUCKS HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IT’S BATHROOMS WILL NOW BE OPEN TO ANYONE WHO WALKS IN, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THEY BUY ANYTHING. HOLD ON, SO THEY’RE SAYING, THIS WHOLE TIME STARBUCKS HASN’T BEEN A PUBLIC BATHROOM? I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW. DID YOU KNOW?

ALTHOUGH THIS IS A REAL BREAKTHROUGH FOR ALL OF US. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? THIS MEANS NO MORE RUNNING UP TO THE COUNTER IN A COLD SWEAT LIKE, “JUST GIVE ME THE CHEAPEST THING YOU’VE GOT!” “WHATEVER IT IS!” IN A FORMAL STATEMENT, STARBUCKS SAYS THEIR BATHROOMS ARE NOW OPEN TO ALL PEOPLE WHO WANT TO USE THEM.

WITH ONE SMALL EXCEPTION– ANYONE WHO JUST POLISHED OFF AN ENTIRE JUG OF PAPA JOHN’S GARLIC SAUCE. THAT’S A NO-NO.

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